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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks
into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was
Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the
cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who put
the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.
And now that you've decided to come downstairs for breakfast, you listen good
because I'm only going to say this one more time.......I haven't made the
*bleep*
porridge yet!!
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Hey man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!!".
One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea." The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."
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