|
|
98% of the Harley-Davidsons made are still on the road!
The other 2% made it home.
Submitted by Ronnie B.
Mother Superior and a novice nun are driving to market one day, when they come upon a detour. Taking the turn, they are led down one street after another, until finally they are in an old part of the city with cobblestone streets. Says the novice, " Mother Superior, I don't believe I've come this way before." Winking, the Mother Superior replies, " It's the cobblestones, my dear."
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven" Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. Here is the first one: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to! think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one-how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ..... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer." How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest,run."
Regarding job layoffs in the U.S. Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....!!!
Bill Clinton and George Bush ended up in the same barber shop at the same time. Neither one said a word.The barbers didn't say anything either thinking it would lead to a political discussion.Bill's barber finished first and asked Bill if he wanted some aftershave. He said no, because if he went home smelling like that, Hillary would think he had been in a whorehouse. Next, Bush's barber finished and asked the same question. He said it would be OK because his wife, Laura, didn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smelled like.
How much does Scooby-Doo weigh? . . . A Dog Pound.
Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger.
Later, when a detective visited the scene, he asked a policeman standing nearby what happened. "Well," the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other one's head straightened around, he was dead, too."
How is a Harley like a Kotex? Harleys aren't the best but they are right next to it!
Two monkeys were in a bar. One a bartender the other a drunk. The drunk says to the bartender, "Man, last night I came and blew chunks!" The bartender said," Well, don't do it here.. i just washed the bar." The drunk said," No, you don't understand... chunks is my dog!"
Sent in by Miki
What did the whale say after taking a bite out of the submarine?. . . Eww, I got a mouthful of seamen!
Sent in by Birddog
35. Slip Up |
 |
36. Dr. Soused |
|
37. A Little Absent Minded |
 |